This past year has gifted me change in my thoughts, habits and routines, in how I approach challenges and previous situations and in my understanding of what truly matters.
The most recent change for me is committing to a new tattoo. Something that to others, such as my sister who got her first one matching with me, can seem like a huge change in itself. To have something on your body that is permanent and new can feel scary, especially when it comes with a change in how you view yourself.
There was an hour of silent treatment before my sister eventually embraced the change and the tattoo was no longer foreign and scary. It sits quietly and comfortably behind our ears, the ink a tiny reminder of not just our everlasting sisterly bond, but also the act of welcoming change and acceptance.
Yet, there are layers to change, ranging from tiny imperceptible adjustments to your daily routine to an earth-shattering breakup that alters your whole brain chemistry. Whilst these situations are vastly different in the ways they affect someone’s life, they both encourage change and growth on a temporal scale, developing gradually over time and leaving lasting effects on our perspectives.
The amount of last minute “I hate my outfit and I’m not going out” self-talks I’ve had with myself happen far more often than I’d like to admit.
Sometimes it’s simply just feeling uncomfortable, but most of the time all it takes is a quick change from the previous outfit idea, whether that’s changing from boots into heels or a bodysuit into a long sleeve top. Yet, without the attempt to even try and alter the outfit choice, I’d be unaware of what might’ve suited me better and made me feel better in that moment.
At times all you need is to try it out, wear it, feel it and just blanket yourself in the confidence that you have made the right decision. Even if it turns out to be the wrong choice and the heels are rubbing your feet beyond repair, there’s a lesson to be taken from it and a mindfulness that you can carry into the next time you’re going out.
Change involves trial and error, and even if it fails, at least we know what we can change for next time, and be certain that the outcome will be better than the last, diminishing the fear of making mistakes and knowing we can learn from them.
Occasionally, the little changes in our routine get overlooked. For instance, my breakfast obsession has been dippy eggs and soldiers for months, then one day I decided to make scrambled eggs and suddenly those five months of having the same type of egg is replaced with another form.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like dippy eggs, it just means that at this moment in time I simply prefer to make scrambled eggs, and it’s okay to want them for as long as I enjoy them. And when the time comes for me to choose fried or dippy again, the cycle will inevitably continue.
By having the ability to choose and better yet change something as trivial and mundane as what I eat for breakfast, it can prove to the self that change can be chosen and enjoyed.
Or perhaps when you finish a book that you spent all night reading and obsessing over, then the next day you pick up and start reading a completely different genre with unknown characters to learn and another world to discover. To leave the comfort of a world you’ve come to love can be bittersweet, but we can’t keep rereading the same story over and over.
The comfortability of knowing can become restrictive and while we can still find joy between the lines the ending stays the same. The mystery of the unknown disappears as the excitement runs off and we’re left stuck choosing whether to turn a new page of a book, or to sit in limbo, torn between the safety of the familiar and the endless possibilities of the unknown.
Little changes make for slight alterations in routines which can give ourselves the freedom to choose, alongside a sense of control and decisions. Change doesn’t have to be dramatic or permanent as flexibility is a gift that we should utilise to our full potential.
However, there is change out there that can be incredibly daunting which can potentially stunt any progression or growth that (most of the time) needs to happen.
This year I turned twenty-two, started healing from my first love, moved out of a girly flat into a boy house, left a soul-sucking job, finished my Master degree and dyed my hair. These significant changes made fundamental shifts in multiple areas of my life, whether that was physically, mentally or emotionally, and for most of this year the magnitude of their impacts have been overwhelming.
I’ll admit, the emotional intensity of these changes have left me feeling at a loss with myself with the old me being left behind within my memories. But I can assure you, whoever said that time heals all, was telling the truth.
It’s in our nature to evolve and change and instead of me burying the thoughts of the past and missing who I used to be, I’m now facing these truths head on. I’m starting to think about who I want to be and actively making the change so I can prove to myself that I’m more than capable of embracing these transformations.
Within times of utmost stress, the brain can forget to rationalise and will go straight into protecting the self. In many situations this year I’ve put myself before others, refusing to see their point of view and only later, through many discomforting revelations, that I wasn’t the angel I thought myself to be. To form a different opinion on something that you were deadset on being the truth, to then sitting with the idea that perhaps you weren’t right can be unpleasant.
But by revisiting uneasy situations and reflecting on how I dealt with them, however brutal it may feel to perhaps admit, it’s provided me with the clarity I need to make that change at the core myself. It’s healthy to be continuously learning and growing, as scary as it may be when it comes from within.
Gracing yourself with forgiveness and the ability to evolve is the kindest way to move on and take accountability of perhaps being wrong.
Refusing change altogether is like standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to see what happens. Sure, you can defend yourself if someone tries to push you off, but when the inevitable happens and the waters below begin to erode the walls of the cliff, you may be swept away into the depths of the ocean, remaining unchanged and unprepared. Or, you could realise that change is inevitable and will affect you whether you are prepared or not, and make the decision to walk away from the edge and make the change yourself, for yourself.
The end of one thing brings ample opportunity for the new beginning. There will always be a string of good weaved within change, you just have to pluck it from the chaos and hesitation, where endings meet beginnings and transformation quietly takes root. By welcoming change, the confidence to handle new situations alongside the anxiousness of the unknown will, in time, become easier to accept.
Change will always find its way into our lives and what matters most isn’t resisting it, but learning to move with it.
Literary Lines 